Most people say nothing to a grieving friend, not because they do not care but because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Silence is the wrong thing. This is a practical list of what to say, what to write, and what to avoid.

Why it feels so hard

Two fears do most of the damage. The first is that you will remind the person of their loss — you will not; it is the only thing they are thinking about. The second is that you will say something clumsy and make it worse.

The second fear is worth setting aside, because the standard is much lower than you think. Grieving people forgive almost every awkward sentence offered in good faith. What they remember, sometimes for years, is who said nothing at all. A clumsy message beats an absent one every time.

Note too that comfort is partly cultural: phrases that are ordinary and warm in one country can land oddly in another, and what a religious family finds consoling may not suit a secular one. The suggestions below are deliberately plain, because plain travels well.

What to say

Short and honest works. Long and eloquent is for you, not for them.

"I am so sorry. I do not know what to say."
"I heard about your mother. I am thinking of you."
"I have no words, but I am here."
"I do not know how you are feeling, but I would like to help if I can."

Then, if you knew the person, add the single most valuable thing you have: a specific memory.

"I keep thinking about the afternoon he drove me home in that terrible car."
"She was the first person who was kind to me when I started at the company."
"He always asked about my father. Every single time."

Specific beats profound. You are not required to explain the death, find meaning in it, or make anyone feel better — only to show that the person existed and mattered, and that you noticed.

What to write

If you are writing a card or a message rather than speaking, the same rules apply with a little more room.

Keep it to four or five sentences. Name the person who died, using their name. Say one concrete thing about them. Say what you are offering, if you are offering something. Do not ask a question that requires a reply, and say explicitly that no reply is needed — the mental load of answering thirty messages is real.

A workable template, to be rewritten in your own words:

"Dear Maria. I was so sorry to hear about Thomas. I keep remembering how he used to [one specific thing]. I am thinking of you and the family. You do not need to reply to this — I will check in again in a few weeks."

That last sentence is the one people remember.

Phrases to avoid

Nearly all of these are said with kindness. They fail because they ask the grieving person to feel better in order to reassure the speaker.

"At least..." — anything beginning this way. "At least she was old", "at least it was quick", "at least you had time to prepare". There is no at least.
"I know exactly how you feel." You do not, even if you have lost someone too. "I lost my father two years ago, so a little of this is familiar" is honest; certainty is not.
"Everything happens for a reason." For many people this is not consoling but offensive, and you cannot tell in advance which people.
"He is in a better place" / "she is at peace now." Fine if you know the family shares that belief. Presumptuous if you do not.
"You need to be strong for the children." Do not assign anyone a job.
"Let me know if you need anything." Well meant, and useless: it puts the work of asking onto the person with the least capacity to ask.
"Time heals." Perhaps, eventually. Not this week.
"How are you?" as an opener. Try "how is today going?" — smaller, answerable, and it does not demand a summary of the unsummarisable.

Also avoid anything about the medical details of the death, and any comparison to your own losses that turns the conversation towards you.

Better than saying anything

Actions carry further than sentences, and they solve the problem of not knowing what to say.

Make a specific, time-bound offer: "I am going to the shop on Thursday, I will bring you food" rather than "let me know if you need anything". Deliver something that can be frozen. Take the dog. Sit with them without talking. Drive them somewhere. Handle one item on the list of practical tasks that follows a death — there is always a long list, and taking one item off it is a genuine gift.

And show up at the service if you reasonably can. Attendance is a sentence that does not need words.

Weeks and months later

This is where you can be genuinely different from everyone else.

Support collapses after about a fortnight. The funeral is done, the visitors stop, and the person is left in a quiet house at exactly the point when the reality lands. Put three reminders in your calendar now: one month, three months, and the first anniversary of the death. Send a short message on each. "Thinking of you today" is enough.

Use the person's name when you talk about them. Bereaved people are frequently surrounded by others who avoid the name for fear of causing pain, and the effect is that the person seems to be being erased. Saying "Thomas" out loud is a kindness.

Keep inviting them to things, even if they decline for a year. Being asked matters more than attending.

If you did not know the person well

You can still write. "I did not know your mother, but I know what she meant to you, and I am sorry" is a complete and welcome message.

If you knew the person only through work or one corner of their life, tell the family what you knew. They may have no idea who their father was to his colleagues, and a short account of it is often treasured. That is also what makes contributing to a memorial page worthwhile if the family has set one up — see What Is a Digital Memorial Page — because the memories from outside the family are exactly the ones the family does not already hold.

If you are grieving too

Sometimes you are not the supporter but one of the bereaved, and you are still expected to comfort everyone else. Two things help. Say plainly that you are struggling as well — people around you often assume you are managing because you are upright and answering messages. And accept that you cannot be everyone's support and your own at the same time; choose one or two people to be honest with, and let politeness carry the rest for now.

The same applies at work. Colleagues frequently want to say something and do not know whether it is their place. It is. A short message from a colleague, in the ordinary register of your working relationship, is easier to receive than an elaborate one, and it makes returning to work less strange.

If you want to do something concrete

If the notice asked for donations or memories instead of flowers, "No Flowers, Please" — What to Give Instead sets out the options and how to word the card. And if you have been asked to speak or write about the person, How to Write a Eulogy or Memorial Tribute may help.

The only real rule is the first one: say something. Imperfectly is fine.